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The Rebel Army Archive: Photo 234-867

How lovely it is to take a stroll down memory lane! This is one of my most cherished photos as it shows how anarchist protesters have clearly identified Starbucks as kindred spirits. We anarchists don't want governments and institutions controlling our lives, and neither do Starbucks! They want to be free just like us! Free to roam the world with a complete anarchic disregard for tax laws!

LONG LIVE ANARCHY AND LONG LIVE STARBUCKS, FACEBOOK, AMAZON AND ALL THE OTHER SWASHBUCKLING MULTI-NATIONAL COMPANIES!

[JN]

Rebel of the Year

It’s that time of year again! Time to award the Rebel of the year. There are many contenders, but there can only be one winner.

I can’t tell you how proud I was when our government decided to stop fannying around with democracy and go full blown rebel this year. The sight of Chinese Communist flags flying in London is an encouraging sign for any rebel. It shows that our future as a rebel nation is secure.

In the clash of rebellions, the big guy always wins. That’s why when a protester tried to make a demonstration about China’s human rights record, he was swiftly dealt with (see below). Why bother rebelling against the best rebels in the business? They’ve got it all sewn up! With a little suppression of dissent, we are  making the Chinese president feel at home.

As part of the festivities, David Cameron invited the Chinese Premier to have Fish and Chips. How quaint! In return, the Chinese government are taking care of our energy needs for the forseeable future. Excellent! Our energy will be controlled by rebels! Can't see anything going wrong there!

Rupert Rewards Relentless Rebellion

Greetings Rebels,

A history lesson for you! This one goes back to the year 2009. Before "Life Hacks" there were "Phone Hacks", a kind of pre-facebook rebellion. One of the most famous proponents was Rebekah Brooks who, while working for NewsCorp, presided over a period when many people's voicemails were intercepted in the noble pursuit of rebellion. Not that she knew anything about it, of course. According to Roger Alton, ex Times editor, the hacking scandal is "in the past". Come to think of it, I had forgotten about the whole thing!

Now, good old Rupert "Two Fingers" Murdoch has given Rebekah her old job back! Just think of the message this sends to young people all over the land. If you keep rebelling, eventually you will be rewarded with a £16m payout and you old job back! Having presumably turned over a new leaf, Brooksie can get back to doing what she does best!

Shadow Minister for Culture Chris Bryant, a victim of the hacking, told the Guardian that Rupert Murdoch was showing "two fingers to the British public" over the reappointment. Well, I should hope so. There's no such thing as bad publicity, as they say!

-MG

Further reading:

http://www.theguardian.com/media/2015/aug/29/rebekah-brooks-return-news-uk-chief-campaigners-attack-report-rupert-murdoch

The Burning Desire Of ISIS

The Rebel Army has hitherto regarded ISIS with a certain ambivalence. Yes, we like their guns and their cool masks, but we weren't so sure about this Sharia Law business. The word "law" is of course likely to turn the stomach of any true rebel.

However, their recent actions have begun to make us wonder if Sharia Law means something completely different to our antiquated "western" values of Law and Order. I suspect it basically just means smashing things up!

Their destruction of ancient artifacts at Mosul museum was our first clue, but they soon turned their rebellious hands to music... Like an army of Jimi Hendrixes, they began attacking keyboards, guitars and setting drum kits on fire!

ISIS ARE TOTALLY ROCK 'N' ROLL!

[JN]

A Message To All Rebellious Publishers Of Comic Books!

Greetings! The new Rebel Army graphic novel is finally ready for print! It chronicles the beginnings of our noble organisation and it's first brushes with the Squares and Suits who rule our poor oppressed world.

If any of you Rebelteers out there in cyberspace can help our cause to reach a reliable publisher you will certainly earn yourselves some stripes!

Of course, getting it officially published will be breaking a few Rebel Army rules. But then again - rules are made to be broken! Even our own... is that right? Sorry, I'm experiencing one of my occasional moments of confusion. I'm going to have to lie down for a bit...

[JN]

Tea for Suckers

Dear readers, if you ever want to partake of a rebellious beverage, head down to 6/8 Kafe on Temple Row, Birmingham City Centre. I attended this fine establishment only yesterday, and made a startling discovery. Upon heading to the counter to purchase a cup of tea (as a joke, as if I would drink something so square), I was amazed to be charged £2.50. 

That’s right, readers, 6/8 Kafe have the rebellious gall to charge two hundred and fifty English pence for a teabag and some hot water in a cardboard cup. “Two pound fifty?” I spluttered, amazed at the brazen cheek of it all.  

Then, dear readers, I took a look around at the clientele, with their beards and bandanas and realised something. 6/8 Kafe is totally rebellious! Only a rebel would charge such an extortionate amount for a cup of builder’s tea. 

These guys are fleecing their customers and no mistake! If you want to con people out of their hard-earned money, all you need is to spell the word café with a K instead of a C, put some grainy black and white photos of your kafé on your website, and hey presto, you can charge whatever you want. But you must find the right audience, In this case, it would be people who, when asked to pay £2.50 for a cup of tea, instead of replying "How dare you! This is an outrage!", will simply say "Cool". These are the people who cannot tell the difference between being cool and being a gullible moron. 

I shall certainly be frequenting this den of rebels in the future and revelling in the sheer nerve of it all. I shall be delighted to be taken advantage of by these cheeky scamps!

So, dear rebels, next time you find yourself in Birmingham city centre, buy a cup of rebellious tea and hold it aloft and declare “I am a gullible moron!”

The Eclipse: Seeing things differently...

I was told by the BBC and other "authorities" not to look directly at the eclipse today. Can't quite figure out their true motives but I defiantly stared right at that sucker for twenty minutes!

And the joke's on them because the doctors tell me I have at least a 20% chance of my sight returning! Mind you, what do they know...

[JN]

Naked Ambition

Looks like somebody's been doing their Rebel homework! Real class, Jessie J!

Popstar and activist Jessie J caused a stir last Sunday with a brave political demonstration. In her very own Tiananmen Square moment she bore her soul (and her body) in front of the oppressive patriarchal media as if to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

In giving us all a flash of her near-naked body she paid solemn respect to International Women's Day. Showing that no matter how much the establishment try and stop her, she's gonna keep on taking her clothes off and rubbing her liberty in their boring old faces until they finally respect her.

In addition, this concert - or "happening" - took place in Jakarta. A rather conservative country rendering her performance all the more poignant.

Shame that not everyone was impressed...

"I'm pretty sure international women's day does not stand for flaunting your body to thousands of people in order to sell yourself."

So read a comment from user elbow. Its probably a post from that boring indie band! What do they know about civil rights anyway? I mean, what's sexy about an elbow?! Get lost grandads!

Just going to google some pictures of Rosa Parks now. Must be some reason she's so respected.

[JN]

Fifty Shades of Great Britain

Readers, I could not in all conscience let this week pass without commenting on the rebellious phenomenon Fifty Shades of grey. What a joy it is to witness this noble endeavour, bestowed on us by selfless Brits Sam Taylor-Wood and EL James, the new dynamic duo of literature and film. No longer are we to be known as the country of Dickens and Shakespeare. Instead, the United Kingdom is to be renamed Fifty Shades of Great Britain, in a tribute to this tag-team who have put us back on the cultural map. Look upon this picture of Sam Taylor-Wood, as she skips down an LA street, revelling in the joyous knowledge that she has done right by her country. The days of making boring video art are behind her now. Her face says it all: "Now I can look my children in the eye. When I die, they will say of me, 'She did something'".

Who would have thought in those dark oppressive days before 1960, that we would one day gaze upon a Britain which had scaled the dizzy heights of cultural advancement which we now have! Who would have dared to dream that B&Q would have to steady itself for the hordes of people storming their outlets to pick up rope and gaffer tape, in a daring emulation of the film, nay, institution that Fifty Shades has become? You will pardon me, I'm sure, as I shed a tear of joy at this momentous occasion. Naturally I myself am a fan of the book, having snapped up a copy as soon as I identified the rebellion inherent in this work of art. I made an exception to my "No Reading" rule and pored over every rebellious detail. We have come a long way, you and I, since the days of Lady Chatterley's Lover, the only real rival to 50 Shades' crown. Think of Chatterley as the Obi Wan to 50 Shades' youthful Skywalker. Now we know that nothing can stop us in our mission to "Rebelise" the country. We will not halt until every single person on this sceptred isle is a handcuff-wielding pervert! Onward I say! Onward to Freedom!

[VG]

BREAKING NEWS!

This just in: Derek Zoolander and Russell Brand have joined forces to launch a revolutionary new educational facility called THE BRAND~ZOOLANDER CENTRE FOR PEOPLE WHAT WANNA DO GOOD FINGS AND NOT BE SO WHACK TO THE PLANET ANYMORE.

The centre will launch tomorrow with courses in Ecology, Theology, Philosophy and Male Grooming. All courses are to be taught by Brand, there is no timetable and Brand has declared in a statement that he does not intend to do any lesson plans. Instead he's just going to "wing it and talk the trewf to all the people and that".

Good luck boys! This is a major milestone on the road to progress!

[JN]

Take it to the tweets - Russell Brand and the ReLOVEution

At the start of Russell Brand's new video to promote his new book ReLOVEution, we are asked a pretty provocative question: "Are you happy with the way things are?". Well of course not! We want to rebel! please show us how Russell!

Thankfully Russell and his team manage to engage the wisdom of the general public via the medium of twitter to give us some very pragmatic advice, which is then projected onto the sides of buildings, which makes it look all cool and that.

For example, @buddleibar tweets "Ask for the truth in every way, and then follow the flow, and keep asking, asking, asking, you'll know".

Great advice there! And so simple! All we've got to do is "follow the flow"! Now why hadn't I thought of that?!

Also: "Be None of the Above Join the #ReLOVEution Reject the system". More illuminating words of wisdom from rebel operative @NoneAboveUK. Also playing fast and loose with the rules of grammar too: He'll put a capital letter wherever he damn well pleases! Just like a young rebel should!

But perhaps my favourite of all is "We need change". What a perceptive remark from @joshyouher!

Obviously we're beginning to get very deep into some complicated political thought here. But to properly understand politics would probably take a lot of time and be very boring, so I'm glad there are others in our cause to do that work for me. For example, I'm sure whoever came up with the line "all else has failed" had done some pretty detailed research into the political history of Britain and - for reasons perhaps only properly understood by this prophet of our times - has decided that such things as the welfare state and the whole history of parliamentary democracy were just a load of old codswollop!

That's right, let's smash the system! After all "The people who say the system works, WORK FOR THE SYSTEM" and its not as if we even need it anymore - not now we've got this whole new rigorous and progressive ideology to hold on to!

[JN]

Insurgent Surgery

Glad news arrived today. A young lady has achieved an almost literal interpretation of the Rebel Army message. She has found the golden path, the "third way", between the same old left and right of the body politic.

In a simple act of mammary defiance this young renegade truly embodies the very essence of the Rebel Army mantra, "Why [do something] when you can [do another thing]?"

i.e. WHY HAVE TWO BREASTS WHEN YOU CAN HAVE THREE???

Here are some other examples:
- Why have a cup of tea when you can have crystal meth?
- Why stay faithful to your wife when you can have an affair?
- Why do the dishes when you can kick a wall?

C'mon girls, why be boring like all those other two-breasted women walking around like they own the place? Why not do something different?!

[JN]

Advice for Scots

[Image taken from - without permission of course! - the film 'Braveheart'.]

One of the most important lessons a young rebel must learn is that WINNING IS FOR LOSERS. Take Obama for example. He was black. A bit of a headstart in the old counter-culture game. Unfortunately he had to go and ruin it all by actually winning the election and becoming president! Such a pity...

Now currently here in Britain we have our very own little Obama causing controversy on the political battleground: Alex Salmond, leader of the Scottish National Party.

We here at Rebel Army HQ are of course staunch supporters of the SNP but there are growing concerns within our ranks that the 'yes' campaign may be too well organised and that the SNP might actually win! If this dire outcome should come to pass, the SNP would regrettably lose their noble underdog status.

So our message to the Scots would be to throw all your support behind the 'yes' campaign leading up to polling day. Shout about it on the streets, rally the troops on the internet, but when you actually get inside that voting booth and see the ballot paper in front of you, make sure you vote NO!

[JN]

Racism v racism

Greetings Rebels!

Facebook users have been exposing racism...with racism! I'm so proud of these young rebels and rebelettes it makes me cry fat chunky tears all over my big moustache!

These cheeky rulebreakers are fighting dirty- like a rebel should!  By directly discriminating against UKIP members based on the colour of their skin, these bold activists are showing the old fogeys whose side the times are on. Crawl  back in your holes, UKIP! You are yesterday's news!

The wit and panache with which they portray a pensioner, who is so old and blind that he needs a magnifying glass to type, is commendable. Who knew that racism could be so funny when directed against old, white men? Hilarious!

On a serious note, I know how devious these old croaks can be. After all, I used to be one before I became a rebel. Of course, these digital rebels don't think of themselves as white, as rebellion exempts you from that stinky old race.

I'm sure that in years to come, these youngsters will look back on this time and say, "Yes - I did well there." Hurrah for them!

The genius of this approach to rebellion is that it reinforces what we already know. Everybody knows that everyone born before 1960 is basically racist. For anyone who is confused about this, I have prepared a handy timeline. Toodle Pip!

Sources: Twitter (#WhyImVotingUKIP), UKIP Exposed (facebook group)

[VG]

Rebels vs Reality

Rebels - I have just received a communication from rebellious organisation Avaaz, with a startling message. Apparently a NEW ICE AGE is imminent, poised to happen WITHIN 6 MONTHS. According to Avaaz, we have reached a "tipping point" and soon the planet could "unleash an army of apartment-building-size ice blocks across Europe and the United States".

Apparently, a reputable Scientist (who for some reason has not been named) has christened this "Our Holy Shit moment". Good to hear a scientist talking like a rebel instead of droning on about graphs and figures!

The good news is, according to Avaaz, if we all work together, we can somehow stop this.
We may not have been able to stop the last Ice Age but we can stop this one. After all, we've got the Internet now! 

Ok, Avaaz haven't exactly shown how this will work. But that's because there isn't time! Because of the urgency, there is no time to sit down and work out whether this is objectively true or not. There is only time to put trust in our politicians and hope that everything turns out fine.

I have been assured that, far from being a futile gesture designed to manipulate gullible idiots, its actually TRUE. All I can say is Hurrah!

[VG]

Ever closer rebellion

Forget Nigel Farage - the EU are the real rebels. Just look at how they tirelessly pursue their projects of monetary union and free movement of peoples, refusing to be distracted from their vision by oh, I don't know...reality! Why, they even stole money from the  Cypriot people's bank accounts during that country's banking crisis!  

Like Lenin and Mao, the Eurocrats don't bother with actually running the countries they're in charge of - BORING! No, much more exciting to devote themselves wholeheartedly to their project of "ever closer union" - basically destroying the distinctions between each of the member states so we end up with a United States of Europe. Hurrah! And Nigel Farage and his gang of sad, scared old men have a problem with that? Boo!  They really are a bunch of old fuddy duddies, banging on about democracy all day long. Haven't you heard, Nige? Democracy doesn't work! It's slow and boring - by the time a bill's passed through parliament I've lost interest anyway!

Make sure you stay at home on Polling Day to keep these bad boys in power!
 

[VG]

Major Gripes' War on Vowels

"Yeah, vowels are f**king fascist. You gotta take 'em out, man. They're like a virus. A Judeo-Christian controlled virus. Exterminate! We're gonna cut up the English language. Destroy it. Rebuild it. Create our own language." Bobby Gillespie, NME Feb 6, 2000

Hear hear! I couldn’t agree more with Bobby Gillespie of Primal Scream. They didn’t need vowels in Ancient Egypt, so why should we need them now? Western Civilization has poisoned the world with their stupid vowels. Everything was fine in the pagan era. It was basically sunshine and happiness. With Christianity came slavery, religious oppression and… vowels! Oh how I hate them! So I’m turning over a new leaf! From now on - N MR VWLS!

Hrrh!

Yrs n Rblln,

Mjr Grps

[VG]

The Anarchist Cookbook

Greetings Rebels,

I have just learned some very disappointing news. One of our number, the writer and former anarchist William Powell, was for many years a great soldier for our cause. His masterpiece The Anarchist Cookbook has inspired many a rebel down the years, containing as it does, instructions on how to make home made explosives. Oh what would rebels have done without it? Every time we go on a jolly killing spree, we always take a copy with us.

But this week, Powell, the dreaded apostate, has campaigned for the book to be taken out of print. Shame on you, Michael! Not only that, I have even heard that he has embraced Anglican Christianity!!! This is very disappointing and a real blow for the Great Rebellion.

I can only hope that Paul McCartney will set fire to a monastery, in order to redress the balance.

Yours in rebellion,

Major Gripes

"The Timelord" - Lord Hanningfield

Are you sick of being oppressed and downtrodden by the system? Sick of all the government red tape standing between you and freedom?

Well for one man, the burden finally made him snap...!

Like Michael Douglas in that film "Falling Down" legendary Lord Hanningfield made a stand for the little guy recently with his defiance of "parliamentary expectations" (yawn!).

Playing the system from within, hereditary peer Lord Hanningfield managed to outfox the fun police with an ingenous moment of renegade time-management.

Every day, instead of doing a full day's work, Lord Hanningfield simply clocked in, picked up his £300 attendance fee and then nipped straight off again! Presumably to plan some sort of Fight Club style mission with all the other Lords who have been implicated in this daring escapade!

If only the Daily Mirror were as enlightened as these freedom fighters! Shame on them with their little cameras and wheedling journalists for trying to stop these brave souls.

But just like Braveheart, Hanningfield faced his attackers and refused to apologise claiming, heroically, that others do it too.

[JN]