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The Rebel Army Archive: Photo 234-867

How lovely it is to take a stroll down memory lane! This is one of my most cherished photos as it shows how anarchist protesters have clearly identified Starbucks as kindred spirits. We anarchists don't want governments and institutions controlling our lives, and neither do Starbucks! They want to be free just like us! Free to roam the world with a complete anarchic disregard for tax laws!

LONG LIVE ANARCHY AND LONG LIVE STARBUCKS, FACEBOOK, AMAZON AND ALL THE OTHER SWASHBUCKLING MULTI-NATIONAL COMPANIES!

[JN]

Rebel of the Year

It’s that time of year again! Time to award the Rebel of the year. There are many contenders, but there can only be one winner.

I can’t tell you how proud I was when our government decided to stop fannying around with democracy and go full blown rebel this year. The sight of Chinese Communist flags flying in London is an encouraging sign for any rebel. It shows that our future as a rebel nation is secure.

In the clash of rebellions, the big guy always wins. That’s why when a protester tried to make a demonstration about China’s human rights record, he was swiftly dealt with (see below). Why bother rebelling against the best rebels in the business? They’ve got it all sewn up! With a little suppression of dissent, we are  making the Chinese president feel at home.

As part of the festivities, David Cameron invited the Chinese Premier to have Fish and Chips. How quaint! In return, the Chinese government are taking care of our energy needs for the forseeable future. Excellent! Our energy will be controlled by rebels! Can't see anything going wrong there!

Rupert Rewards Relentless Rebellion

Greetings Rebels,

A history lesson for you! This one goes back to the year 2009. Before "Life Hacks" there were "Phone Hacks", a kind of pre-facebook rebellion. One of the most famous proponents was Rebekah Brooks who, while working for NewsCorp, presided over a period when many people's voicemails were intercepted in the noble pursuit of rebellion. Not that she knew anything about it, of course. According to Roger Alton, ex Times editor, the hacking scandal is "in the past". Come to think of it, I had forgotten about the whole thing!

Now, good old Rupert "Two Fingers" Murdoch has given Rebekah her old job back! Just think of the message this sends to young people all over the land. If you keep rebelling, eventually you will be rewarded with a £16m payout and you old job back! Having presumably turned over a new leaf, Brooksie can get back to doing what she does best!

Shadow Minister for Culture Chris Bryant, a victim of the hacking, told the Guardian that Rupert Murdoch was showing "two fingers to the British public" over the reappointment. Well, I should hope so. There's no such thing as bad publicity, as they say!

-MG

Further reading:

http://www.theguardian.com/media/2015/aug/29/rebekah-brooks-return-news-uk-chief-campaigners-attack-report-rupert-murdoch

The Burning Desire Of ISIS

The Rebel Army has hitherto regarded ISIS with a certain ambivalence. Yes, we like their guns and their cool masks, but we weren't so sure about this Sharia Law business. The word "law" is of course likely to turn the stomach of any true rebel.

However, their recent actions have begun to make us wonder if Sharia Law means something completely different to our antiquated "western" values of Law and Order. I suspect it basically just means smashing things up!

Their destruction of ancient artifacts at Mosul museum was our first clue, but they soon turned their rebellious hands to music... Like an army of Jimi Hendrixes, they began attacking keyboards, guitars and setting drum kits on fire!

ISIS ARE TOTALLY ROCK 'N' ROLL!

[JN]

A Message To All Rebellious Publishers Of Comic Books!

Greetings! The new Rebel Army graphic novel is finally ready for print! It chronicles the beginnings of our noble organisation and it's first brushes with the Squares and Suits who rule our poor oppressed world.

If any of you Rebelteers out there in cyberspace can help our cause to reach a reliable publisher you will certainly earn yourselves some stripes!

Of course, getting it officially published will be breaking a few Rebel Army rules. But then again - rules are made to be broken! Even our own... is that right? Sorry, I'm experiencing one of my occasional moments of confusion. I'm going to have to lie down for a bit...

[JN]

Tea for Suckers

Dear readers, if you ever want to partake of a rebellious beverage, head down to 6/8 Kafe on Temple Row, Birmingham City Centre. I attended this fine establishment only yesterday, and made a startling discovery. Upon heading to the counter to purchase a cup of tea (as a joke, as if I would drink something so square), I was amazed to be charged £2.50. 

That’s right, readers, 6/8 Kafe have the rebellious gall to charge two hundred and fifty English pence for a teabag and some hot water in a cardboard cup. “Two pound fifty?” I spluttered, amazed at the brazen cheek of it all.  

Then, dear readers, I took a look around at the clientele, with their beards and bandanas and realised something. 6/8 Kafe is totally rebellious! Only a rebel would charge such an extortionate amount for a cup of builder’s tea. 

These guys are fleecing their customers and no mistake! If you want to con people out of their hard-earned money, all you need is to spell the word café with a K instead of a C, put some grainy black and white photos of your kafé on your website, and hey presto, you can charge whatever you want. But you must find the right audience, In this case, it would be people who, when asked to pay £2.50 for a cup of tea, instead of replying "How dare you! This is an outrage!", will simply say "Cool". These are the people who cannot tell the difference between being cool and being a gullible moron. 

I shall certainly be frequenting this den of rebels in the future and revelling in the sheer nerve of it all. I shall be delighted to be taken advantage of by these cheeky scamps!

So, dear rebels, next time you find yourself in Birmingham city centre, buy a cup of rebellious tea and hold it aloft and declare “I am a gullible moron!”