"The Timelord" - Lord Hanningfield

Are you sick of being oppressed and downtrodden by the system? Sick of all the government red tape standing between you and freedom?

Well for one man, the burden finally made him snap...!

Like Michael Douglas in that film "Falling Down" legendary Lord Hanningfield made a stand for the little guy recently with his defiance of "parliamentary expectations" (yawn!).

Playing the system from within, hereditary peer Lord Hanningfield managed to outfox the fun police with an ingenous moment of renegade time-management.

Every day, instead of doing a full day's work, Lord Hanningfield simply clocked in, picked up his £300 attendance fee and then nipped straight off again! Presumably to plan some sort of Fight Club style mission with all the other Lords who have been implicated in this daring escapade!

If only the Daily Mirror were as enlightened as these freedom fighters! Shame on them with their little cameras and wheedling journalists for trying to stop these brave souls.

But just like Braveheart, Hanningfield faced his attackers and refused to apologise claiming, heroically, that others do it too.

[JN]

The "Dark" Web

Rebels!

I have made a fascinating discovery! A recent news item has reported that paedophiles and other rogues do not search on Google, Yahoo or any of the other ordinary search engines. They have their own internet in which they carry out their rebellious activity. Do you want to know what it's called? The Dark Web. Kind of makes it sound a bit cool, doesn't it? As soon as I heard about the Dark Web, rather than being repulsed, I was intrigued. Being of nefarious character, I'm determined to investigate! And if you're a rebel worth your salt, you will, too!

Could it be that whoever came up with this name is an undercover rebel? Whoever it is, I'm very impressed! Hurrah!

[VG]

The Invisible Enemy

Look closely at this picture Rebelteers. For this is what I was presented with on a Rebel Army reconnaissance mission last weekend. Does everything seem fine to you? The billboards? The strip club? The endless rows of gaudy shop signs? All perfect symbols of The Great Rebellion's success in occupying Britain's High Streets. But look a little closer and you will see something rather more sinister... a church!

That's right! How on earth could we have let that one slip?! Just when it seemed we'd got things all sown up I realise that there is so much work still to do! This is no time to be resting on our laurels, Rebel comrades! A church on the High Street?! Is nothing sacred anymore?!!

Those slimy Christians are experts at hiding in plain sight. Only earlier today I sat down to eat my lunch and admire the view of a newly opened branch of Topshop. As I took a bite of one of my Rebel sandwiches, I realised to my horror and disgust that I was perched on the ancient wall of a church!

I consider it extremely sneaky of those Victorian architects, to design buildings that would blend into their surroundings so well that they would not be seen – the crafty swines! These buildings do not draw attention to themselves at all. They do not stand out, or make a “statement” like a building should. But they are definitely there.  Once your eyes are opened you suddenly realise – these things are everywhere! So watch out the next time you sit on a wall to eat your lunch – you may be sitting right next to a church!

Stay alert Rebelteers and perhaps soon we will see the day when we flush them all out, once and for all, in the name of freedom, liberty and progress! HURRAH!

Yours in Rebellion,

Major Gripes

[JN & VG]

Rihanna's "Pour It Up" - Unadulterated Feminism!

I've been seeing a lot of whining about Rihanna's new video "Pour It Up" on the internet recently and all I've got to say to these haters is ya - boo - sucks! No way is this modern feminist icon going to pander to your patriarchal need to control and repress! She's going to completely ignore all you male chauvinists by getting her kit off! Ha! Weren't expecting that, were you!? This feisty lady is calling all the shots!

Not literally of course; that's unheard of. The man for that job is master director Vincent Haycock.

Another excellent example of Haycock's progressive vision is his video to Calvin Harris's "Thinking About You". One of the opening shots of a woman's naked buttocks walking through a mansion must make him very proud. So proud in fact that he decided to let this particular shot last uninterrupted for over 30 seconds for no other reason, I'm sure, than to make it absolutely clear that this young lady was indeed truly liberated! Bravo!

The Suffragettes could have really used a man like Haycock to help get their message across. The message being, of course, that all feminists just love being in the nip! Groovy!

Yours in rebellion,

Major Gripes

Rebel inspiration:
'BattyMamzelle' article
Rihanna - "Pour It Up"
Calvin Harris ft. Ayah Marar - "Thinking About You"

[JN]

Global Times sticks it to the UK

Congratulations to the Global Times, the state-run Chinese newspaper who have been sticking it to the UK this week. The prestigious publication described the UK as being "only good for studying and tourism", and "a country of old Europe with a few decent football teams". The paper is to be congratulated. This is how a nation should conduct its propaganda - big , bold and bolshy!

Some would suggest that the Global Times' position as a state-run propaganda machine would discredit its claim at any kind of legitimacy. But not me! The Global Times is totally within its rights to lecture the UK about global power, and is in no way the mouthpiece of a corrupt totalitarian regime!

If only the UK could be more like China, not weighed down by things like equality, justice and workers' rights. The Brits pine for those days when they could swagger around the world upsetting people, with no thought of what this would mean for their descendants. Perhaps they could emulate the Foxconn factory in Longhua, practically enslaving poor people in a pitiless work regime which leaves them so bereft that they have to commit suicide to make their voices heard!

Oh wait - I've just remembered! The UK has already done all that stuff. That's what led it to being the rebellious nation it is today. China, you've just begun your rebellious quest. You've got a long way to go before you reach the rebellious heights the UK has - but we know you'll get there in the end! 

[VG]

Little Miley and her funny cigarette

Readers, let me tell you a little secret. This must go no further, but the truth is that Miley Cyrus is a secret Rebel Army agent. Abandoned by her father Billy Ray when she was but a nipper, Miley was raised by yours truly at the Rebel Army Kiddlywinks Camp. Billy donated her to the Rebel Army so that he could continue rebelling against Country Music, and I raised her as my own. Readers, she has responded to her programming extremely well! She makes a fine rebel, just like Bob Marley.When I saw the footage of her smoking that funny cigarette at the EMAs, I must admit I shed a little tear.
Look how far she's come! Sob!

Yours emotionally,

Major Gripes

[VG]

Russell Brand Interview

I give my assessment of that Russell Brand Interview.

[VG]

Million Mask March

Bravo to Anonymous for staging the Million Mask March this week, and socking it to the man once more. I want to congratulate them for keeping the focus of their anger obscure, thereby preventing the mainstream media (and the public) from figuring out what it was all about!

There were 450 protests in different cities throughout the world, most of them looking like deranged Halloween parties! Again I thank Rebellion that the protesters were able to keep the meaning of their protest as vague as possible!

Only one group let the side down. Protesters in Armenia chose to actually make their demonstration about something (a fixed election or whatever- yawn!) and were promptly arrested. Poor show, chaps – if you had kept your protesting vague and obscure like the rest of the world, you might not find yourself in jail – think on it!

Yours in Rebellion,

Major Gripes

[VG]

Thatcher

Hurrah!

Wise words from our great leader! Like Jagger, Dylan and all the great rebels, Thatcher exhorts us to stuff the crowd and follow ourselves. What a Dame!

[VG]

The Rebel Army take Edinburgh

Hurrah! I'd like to report a recent triumph. The Rebel Army stormed the Edinburgh Festival. Performing at the Free Fringe, we were crowned Kings of Fringe, and won every award going, including Most Rebellious Show.

A Bunch of Male Members

 Click here to view this rebellious activity!

Dear Reader,
Here at Rebel Army, we believe that drawing willies on things is the highest form of rebellion.

Well, a group of young radicals called Shift/Delete has taken it to the next level. Their mission: Turn the London Gherkin into a giant male member! Setting out with only a van, a laptop and some high tech projection equipment, these modern day Jacobins have used their ingenuity to hit Capitalism where it hurts. Oh, the rebellion! It is only once a generation that such genius falls from heaven to briefly bless us mere mortals. 

Isn’t it good to know that satire is still alive in Britain in 2013? Like the work of Jonathan Swift, its rapier-like wit attacks the Establishment with panache! If only Karl Marx had had access to a laptop, I’m sure this is what he would have created. A giant phallus, jerking off into eternity! 
 

I know that the cynics among you will say “But Major, these rebels have made this historic attack, and yet somehow Capitalism remains intact!” It only goes to show what we’re up against, that the regime can withstand this blizzard of revolutionary fervour. But the rot has set in - if we can keep up this kind of attack, one day soon, the Establishment must fall!

Shift/Delete, I salute you Sirs!

Major Gripes

HURRAH! Good to see that Rebellion is alive and well in Britain in 2013!
Recent news shows that Simon Cowell was "egged" by a former BGT contestant.
Please sign this petition to say that the Phantom Egg Thrower should be given the George Cross,
for services to Rebellion. Hurrah!

http://www.petitionbuzz.com/petitions/bgteggthrower

Recruitment Drive #1

Greetings Rebels!

This is Major Gripes reporting back on our first
Recruitment Drive in the Birmingham area, and I have to say it was an unparallelled success!

We appeared Bulls Head, alongside Ed Geater, Sigmund Frued and Juice Aleem, a fine bunch of rebels!

Watch this space for more appearances near you!

Operation Starbucks: Debrief

Greetings Rebels!

Just reporting back on our first reconnaissance operation in Birmingham City Centre.

Our mission: to celebrate and reward Starbucks for their brave tax avoidance over the last few years.

We honour them for rebelling against the system from within. The really clever thing is - it's not technically

illegal, just immoral, so it's OK! No one can touch them for it!

Hurrah for Starbucks, and hurrah for the Great Rebellion!



Regards

Rebel Army Captain.

Different Ways to Rebel

The Rebel Army Captain breaks down the different ways to rebel against the system...

Rebel Army Rules

The Rebel Army Captain lays out the ground rules for being part of the Rebel Army ...

Operation Freedom!

The first communication from The Rebel Army has been transmitted.

"Operation Freedom" is a collection of short military hip-hop songs by our noble leader and founder, Vincent Gould. The music was produced by our musical director, Sergeant John Napier.