BREAKING NEWS!

This just in: Derek Zoolander and Russell Brand have joined forces to launch a revolutionary new educational facility called THE BRAND~ZOOLANDER CENTRE FOR PEOPLE WHAT WANNA DO GOOD FINGS AND NOT BE SO WHACK TO THE PLANET ANYMORE.

The centre will launch tomorrow with courses in Ecology, Theology, Philosophy and Male Grooming. All courses are to be taught by Brand, there is no timetable and Brand has declared in a statement that he does not intend to do any lesson plans. Instead he's just going to "wing it and talk the trewf to all the people and that".

Good luck boys! This is a major milestone on the road to progress!

[JN]

Take it to the tweets - Russell Brand and the ReLOVEution

At the start of Russell Brand's new video to promote his new book ReLOVEution, we are asked a pretty provocative question: "Are you happy with the way things are?". Well of course not! We want to rebel! please show us how Russell!

Thankfully Russell and his team manage to engage the wisdom of the general public via the medium of twitter to give us some very pragmatic advice, which is then projected onto the sides of buildings, which makes it look all cool and that.

For example, @buddleibar tweets "Ask for the truth in every way, and then follow the flow, and keep asking, asking, asking, you'll know".

Great advice there! And so simple! All we've got to do is "follow the flow"! Now why hadn't I thought of that?!

Also: "Be None of the Above Join the #ReLOVEution Reject the system". More illuminating words of wisdom from rebel operative @NoneAboveUK. Also playing fast and loose with the rules of grammar too: He'll put a capital letter wherever he damn well pleases! Just like a young rebel should!

But perhaps my favourite of all is "We need change". What a perceptive remark from @joshyouher!

Obviously we're beginning to get very deep into some complicated political thought here. But to properly understand politics would probably take a lot of time and be very boring, so I'm glad there are others in our cause to do that work for me. For example, I'm sure whoever came up with the line "all else has failed" had done some pretty detailed research into the political history of Britain and - for reasons perhaps only properly understood by this prophet of our times - has decided that such things as the welfare state and the whole history of parliamentary democracy were just a load of old codswollop!

That's right, let's smash the system! After all "The people who say the system works, WORK FOR THE SYSTEM" and its not as if we even need it anymore - not now we've got this whole new rigorous and progressive ideology to hold on to!

[JN]

Insurgent Surgery

Glad news arrived today. A young lady has achieved an almost literal interpretation of the Rebel Army message. She has found the golden path, the "third way", between the same old left and right of the body politic.

In a simple act of mammary defiance this young renegade truly embodies the very essence of the Rebel Army mantra, "Why [do something] when you can [do another thing]?"

i.e. WHY HAVE TWO BREASTS WHEN YOU CAN HAVE THREE???

Here are some other examples:
- Why have a cup of tea when you can have crystal meth?
- Why stay faithful to your wife when you can have an affair?
- Why do the dishes when you can kick a wall?

C'mon girls, why be boring like all those other two-breasted women walking around like they own the place? Why not do something different?!

[JN]

Advice for Scots

[Image taken from - without permission of course! - the film 'Braveheart'.]

One of the most important lessons a young rebel must learn is that WINNING IS FOR LOSERS. Take Obama for example. He was black. A bit of a headstart in the old counter-culture game. Unfortunately he had to go and ruin it all by actually winning the election and becoming president! Such a pity...

Now currently here in Britain we have our very own little Obama causing controversy on the political battleground: Alex Salmond, leader of the Scottish National Party.

We here at Rebel Army HQ are of course staunch supporters of the SNP but there are growing concerns within our ranks that the 'yes' campaign may be too well organised and that the SNP might actually win! If this dire outcome should come to pass, the SNP would regrettably lose their noble underdog status.

So our message to the Scots would be to throw all your support behind the 'yes' campaign leading up to polling day. Shout about it on the streets, rally the troops on the internet, but when you actually get inside that voting booth and see the ballot paper in front of you, make sure you vote NO!

[JN]

Racism v racism

Greetings Rebels!

Facebook users have been exposing racism...with racism! I'm so proud of these young rebels and rebelettes it makes me cry fat chunky tears all over my big moustache!

These cheeky rulebreakers are fighting dirty- like a rebel should!  By directly discriminating against UKIP members based on the colour of their skin, these bold activists are showing the old fogeys whose side the times are on. Crawl  back in your holes, UKIP! You are yesterday's news!

The wit and panache with which they portray a pensioner, who is so old and blind that he needs a magnifying glass to type, is commendable. Who knew that racism could be so funny when directed against old, white men? Hilarious!

On a serious note, I know how devious these old croaks can be. After all, I used to be one before I became a rebel. Of course, these digital rebels don't think of themselves as white, as rebellion exempts you from that stinky old race.

I'm sure that in years to come, these youngsters will look back on this time and say, "Yes - I did well there." Hurrah for them!

The genius of this approach to rebellion is that it reinforces what we already know. Everybody knows that everyone born before 1960 is basically racist. For anyone who is confused about this, I have prepared a handy timeline. Toodle Pip!

Sources: Twitter (#WhyImVotingUKIP), UKIP Exposed (facebook group)

[VG]

Rebels vs Reality

Rebels - I have just received a communication from rebellious organisation Avaaz, with a startling message. Apparently a NEW ICE AGE is imminent, poised to happen WITHIN 6 MONTHS. According to Avaaz, we have reached a "tipping point" and soon the planet could "unleash an army of apartment-building-size ice blocks across Europe and the United States".

Apparently, a reputable Scientist (who for some reason has not been named) has christened this "Our Holy Shit moment". Good to hear a scientist talking like a rebel instead of droning on about graphs and figures!

The good news is, according to Avaaz, if we all work together, we can somehow stop this.
We may not have been able to stop the last Ice Age but we can stop this one. After all, we've got the Internet now! 

Ok, Avaaz haven't exactly shown how this will work. But that's because there isn't time! Because of the urgency, there is no time to sit down and work out whether this is objectively true or not. There is only time to put trust in our politicians and hope that everything turns out fine.

I have been assured that, far from being a futile gesture designed to manipulate gullible idiots, its actually TRUE. All I can say is Hurrah!

[VG]

Ever closer rebellion

Forget Nigel Farage - the EU are the real rebels. Just look at how they tirelessly pursue their projects of monetary union and free movement of peoples, refusing to be distracted from their vision by oh, I don't know...reality! Why, they even stole money from the  Cypriot people's bank accounts during that country's banking crisis!  

Like Lenin and Mao, the Eurocrats don't bother with actually running the countries they're in charge of - BORING! No, much more exciting to devote themselves wholeheartedly to their project of "ever closer union" - basically destroying the distinctions between each of the member states so we end up with a United States of Europe. Hurrah! And Nigel Farage and his gang of sad, scared old men have a problem with that? Boo!  They really are a bunch of old fuddy duddies, banging on about democracy all day long. Haven't you heard, Nige? Democracy doesn't work! It's slow and boring - by the time a bill's passed through parliament I've lost interest anyway!

Make sure you stay at home on Polling Day to keep these bad boys in power!
 

[VG]

Major Gripes' War on Vowels

"Yeah, vowels are f**king fascist. You gotta take 'em out, man. They're like a virus. A Judeo-Christian controlled virus. Exterminate! We're gonna cut up the English language. Destroy it. Rebuild it. Create our own language." Bobby Gillespie, NME Feb 6, 2000

Hear hear! I couldn’t agree more with Bobby Gillespie of Primal Scream. They didn’t need vowels in Ancient Egypt, so why should we need them now? Western Civilization has poisoned the world with their stupid vowels. Everything was fine in the pagan era. It was basically sunshine and happiness. With Christianity came slavery, religious oppression and… vowels! Oh how I hate them! So I’m turning over a new leaf! From now on - N MR VWLS!

Hrrh!

Yrs n Rblln,

Mjr Grps

[VG]

The Anarchist Cookbook

Greetings Rebels,

I have just learned some very disappointing news. One of our number, the writer and former anarchist William Powell, was for many years a great soldier for our cause. His masterpiece The Anarchist Cookbook has inspired many a rebel down the years, containing as it does, instructions on how to make home made explosives. Oh what would rebels have done without it? Every time we go on a jolly killing spree, we always take a copy with us.

But this week, Powell, the dreaded apostate, has campaigned for the book to be taken out of print. Shame on you, Michael! Not only that, I have even heard that he has embraced Anglican Christianity!!! This is very disappointing and a real blow for the Great Rebellion.

I can only hope that Paul McCartney will set fire to a monastery, in order to redress the balance.

Yours in rebellion,

Major Gripes