Rebel of the Year

It’s that time of year again! Time to award the Rebel of the year. There are many contenders, but there can only be one winner.

I can’t tell you how proud I was when our government decided to stop fannying around with democracy and go full blown rebel this year. The sight of Chinese Communist flags flying in London is an encouraging sign for any rebel. It shows that our future as a rebel nation is secure.

In the clash of rebellions, the big guy always wins. That’s why when a protester tried to make a demonstration about China’s human rights record, he was swiftly dealt with (see below). Why bother rebelling against the best rebels in the business? They’ve got it all sewn up! With a little suppression of dissent, we are  making the Chinese president feel at home.

As part of the festivities, David Cameron invited the Chinese Premier to have Fish and Chips. How quaint! In return, the Chinese government are taking care of our energy needs for the forseeable future. Excellent! Our energy will be controlled by rebels! Can't see anything going wrong there!

Rupert Rewards Relentless Rebellion

Greetings Rebels,

A history lesson for you! This one goes back to the year 2009. Before "Life Hacks" there were "Phone Hacks", a kind of pre-facebook rebellion. One of the most famous proponents was Rebekah Brooks who, while working for NewsCorp, presided over a period when many people's voicemails were intercepted in the noble pursuit of rebellion. Not that she knew anything about it, of course. According to Roger Alton, ex Times editor, the hacking scandal is "in the past". Come to think of it, I had forgotten about the whole thing!

Now, good old Rupert "Two Fingers" Murdoch has given Rebekah her old job back! Just think of the message this sends to young people all over the land. If you keep rebelling, eventually you will be rewarded with a £16m payout and you old job back! Having presumably turned over a new leaf, Brooksie can get back to doing what she does best!

Shadow Minister for Culture Chris Bryant, a victim of the hacking, told the Guardian that Rupert Murdoch was showing "two fingers to the British public" over the reappointment. Well, I should hope so. There's no such thing as bad publicity, as they say!

-MG

Further reading:

http://www.theguardian.com/media/2015/aug/29/rebekah-brooks-return-news-uk-chief-campaigners-attack-report-rupert-murdoch

The Burning Desire Of ISIS

The Rebel Army has hitherto regarded ISIS with a certain ambivalence. Yes, we like their guns and their cool masks, but we weren't so sure about this Sharia Law business. The word "law" is of course likely to turn the stomach of any true rebel.

However, their recent actions have begun to make us wonder if Sharia Law means something completely different to our antiquated "western" values of Law and Order. I suspect it basically just means smashing things up!

Their destruction of ancient artifacts at Mosul museum was our first clue, but they soon turned their rebellious hands to music... Like an army of Jimi Hendrixes, they began attacking keyboards, guitars and setting drum kits on fire!

ISIS ARE TOTALLY ROCK 'N' ROLL!

[JN]

A Message To All Rebellious Publishers Of Comic Books!

Greetings! The new Rebel Army graphic novel is finally ready for print! It chronicles the beginnings of our noble organisation and it's first brushes with the Squares and Suits who rule our poor oppressed world.

If any of you Rebelteers out there in cyberspace can help our cause to reach a reliable publisher you will certainly earn yourselves some stripes!

Of course, getting it officially published will be breaking a few Rebel Army rules. But then again - rules are made to be broken! Even our own... is that right? Sorry, I'm experiencing one of my occasional moments of confusion. I'm going to have to lie down for a bit...

[JN]

Tea for Suckers

Dear readers, if you ever want to partake of a rebellious beverage, head down to 6/8 Kafe on Temple Row, Birmingham City Centre. I attended this fine establishment only yesterday, and made a startling discovery. Upon heading to the counter to purchase a cup of tea (as a joke, as if I would drink something so square), I was amazed to be charged £2.50. 

That’s right, readers, 6/8 Kafe have the rebellious gall to charge two hundred and fifty English pence for a teabag and some hot water in a cardboard cup. “Two pound fifty?” I spluttered, amazed at the brazen cheek of it all.  

Then, dear readers, I took a look around at the clientele, with their beards and bandanas and realised something. 6/8 Kafe is totally rebellious! Only a rebel would charge such an extortionate amount for a cup of builder’s tea. 

These guys are fleecing their customers and no mistake! If you want to con people out of their hard-earned money, all you need is to spell the word café with a K instead of a C, put some grainy black and white photos of your kafé on your website, and hey presto, you can charge whatever you want. But you must find the right audience, In this case, it would be people who, when asked to pay £2.50 for a cup of tea, instead of replying "How dare you! This is an outrage!", will simply say "Cool". These are the people who cannot tell the difference between being cool and being a gullible moron. 

I shall certainly be frequenting this den of rebels in the future and revelling in the sheer nerve of it all. I shall be delighted to be taken advantage of by these cheeky scamps!

So, dear rebels, next time you find yourself in Birmingham city centre, buy a cup of rebellious tea and hold it aloft and declare “I am a gullible moron!”

The Eclipse: Seeing things differently...

I was told by the BBC and other "authorities" not to look directly at the eclipse today. Can't quite figure out their true motives but I defiantly stared right at that sucker for twenty minutes!

And the joke's on them because the doctors tell me I have at least a 20% chance of my sight returning! Mind you, what do they know...

[JN]

Naked Ambition

Looks like somebody's been doing their Rebel homework! Real class, Jessie J!

Popstar and activist Jessie J caused a stir last Sunday with a brave political demonstration. In her very own Tiananmen Square moment she bore her soul (and her body) in front of the oppressive patriarchal media as if to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

In giving us all a flash of her near-naked body she paid solemn respect to International Women's Day. Showing that no matter how much the establishment try and stop her, she's gonna keep on taking her clothes off and rubbing her liberty in their boring old faces until they finally respect her.

In addition, this concert - or "happening" - took place in Jakarta. A rather conservative country rendering her performance all the more poignant.

Shame that not everyone was impressed...

"I'm pretty sure international women's day does not stand for flaunting your body to thousands of people in order to sell yourself."

So read a comment from user elbow. Its probably a post from that boring indie band! What do they know about civil rights anyway? I mean, what's sexy about an elbow?! Get lost grandads!

Just going to google some pictures of Rosa Parks now. Must be some reason she's so respected.

[JN]

Fifty Shades of Great Britain

Readers, I could not in all conscience let this week pass without commenting on the rebellious phenomenon Fifty Shades of grey. What a joy it is to witness this noble endeavour, bestowed on us by selfless Brits Sam Taylor-Wood and EL James, the new dynamic duo of literature and film. No longer are we to be known as the country of Dickens and Shakespeare. Instead, the United Kingdom is to be renamed Fifty Shades of Great Britain, in a tribute to this tag-team who have put us back on the cultural map. Look upon this picture of Sam Taylor-Wood, as she skips down an LA street, revelling in the joyous knowledge that she has done right by her country. The days of making boring video art are behind her now. Her face says it all: "Now I can look my children in the eye. When I die, they will say of me, 'She did something'".

Who would have thought in those dark oppressive days before 1960, that we would one day gaze upon a Britain which had scaled the dizzy heights of cultural advancement which we now have! Who would have dared to dream that B&Q would have to steady itself for the hordes of people storming their outlets to pick up rope and gaffer tape, in a daring emulation of the film, nay, institution that Fifty Shades has become? You will pardon me, I'm sure, as I shed a tear of joy at this momentous occasion. Naturally I myself am a fan of the book, having snapped up a copy as soon as I identified the rebellion inherent in this work of art. I made an exception to my "No Reading" rule and pored over every rebellious detail. We have come a long way, you and I, since the days of Lady Chatterley's Lover, the only real rival to 50 Shades' crown. Think of Chatterley as the Obi Wan to 50 Shades' youthful Skywalker. Now we know that nothing can stop us in our mission to "Rebelise" the country. We will not halt until every single person on this sceptred isle is a handcuff-wielding pervert! Onward I say! Onward to Freedom!

[VG]