Ever closer rebellion

Forget Nigel Farage - the EU are the real rebels. Just look at how they tirelessly pursue their projects of monetary union and free movement of peoples, refusing to be distracted from their vision by oh, I don't know...reality! Why, they even stole money from the  Cypriot people's bank accounts during that country's banking crisis!  

Like Lenin and Mao, the Eurocrats don't bother with actually running the countries they're in charge of - BORING! No, much more exciting to devote themselves wholeheartedly to their project of "ever closer union" - basically destroying the distinctions between each of the member states so we end up with a United States of Europe. Hurrah! And Nigel Farage and his gang of sad, scared old men have a problem with that? Boo!  They really are a bunch of old fuddy duddies, banging on about democracy all day long. Haven't you heard, Nige? Democracy doesn't work! It's slow and boring - by the time a bill's passed through parliament I've lost interest anyway!

Make sure you stay at home on Polling Day to keep these bad boys in power!
 

[VG]

Major Gripes' War on Vowels

"Yeah, vowels are f**king fascist. You gotta take 'em out, man. They're like a virus. A Judeo-Christian controlled virus. Exterminate! We're gonna cut up the English language. Destroy it. Rebuild it. Create our own language." Bobby Gillespie, NME Feb 6, 2000

Hear hear! I couldn’t agree more with Bobby Gillespie of Primal Scream. They didn’t need vowels in Ancient Egypt, so why should we need them now? Western Civilization has poisoned the world with their stupid vowels. Everything was fine in the pagan era. It was basically sunshine and happiness. With Christianity came slavery, religious oppression and… vowels! Oh how I hate them! So I’m turning over a new leaf! From now on - N MR VWLS!

Hrrh!

Yrs n Rblln,

Mjr Grps

[VG]

The Anarchist Cookbook

Greetings Rebels,

I have just learned some very disappointing news. One of our number, the writer and former anarchist William Powell, was for many years a great soldier for our cause. His masterpiece The Anarchist Cookbook has inspired many a rebel down the years, containing as it does, instructions on how to make home made explosives. Oh what would rebels have done without it? Every time we go on a jolly killing spree, we always take a copy with us.

But this week, Powell, the dreaded apostate, has campaigned for the book to be taken out of print. Shame on you, Michael! Not only that, I have even heard that he has embraced Anglican Christianity!!! This is very disappointing and a real blow for the Great Rebellion.

I can only hope that Paul McCartney will set fire to a monastery, in order to redress the balance.

Yours in rebellion,

Major Gripes

"The Timelord" - Lord Hanningfield

Are you sick of being oppressed and downtrodden by the system? Sick of all the government red tape standing between you and freedom?

Well for one man, the burden finally made him snap...!

Like Michael Douglas in that film "Falling Down" legendary Lord Hanningfield made a stand for the little guy recently with his defiance of "parliamentary expectations" (yawn!).

Playing the system from within, hereditary peer Lord Hanningfield managed to outfox the fun police with an ingenous moment of renegade time-management.

Every day, instead of doing a full day's work, Lord Hanningfield simply clocked in, picked up his £300 attendance fee and then nipped straight off again! Presumably to plan some sort of Fight Club style mission with all the other Lords who have been implicated in this daring escapade!

If only the Daily Mirror were as enlightened as these freedom fighters! Shame on them with their little cameras and wheedling journalists for trying to stop these brave souls.

But just like Braveheart, Hanningfield faced his attackers and refused to apologise claiming, heroically, that others do it too.

[JN]

The "Dark" Web

Rebels!

I have made a fascinating discovery! A recent news item has reported that paedophiles and other rogues do not search on Google, Yahoo or any of the other ordinary search engines. They have their own internet in which they carry out their rebellious activity. Do you want to know what it's called? The Dark Web. Kind of makes it sound a bit cool, doesn't it? As soon as I heard about the Dark Web, rather than being repulsed, I was intrigued. Being of nefarious character, I'm determined to investigate! And if you're a rebel worth your salt, you will, too!

Could it be that whoever came up with this name is an undercover rebel? Whoever it is, I'm very impressed! Hurrah!

[VG]

The Invisible Enemy

Look closely at this picture Rebelteers. For this is what I was presented with on a Rebel Army reconnaissance mission last weekend. Does everything seem fine to you? The billboards? The strip club? The endless rows of gaudy shop signs? All perfect symbols of The Great Rebellion's success in occupying Britain's High Streets. But look a little closer and you will see something rather more sinister... a church!

That's right! How on earth could we have let that one slip?! Just when it seemed we'd got things all sown up I realise that there is so much work still to do! This is no time to be resting on our laurels, Rebel comrades! A church on the High Street?! Is nothing sacred anymore?!!

Those slimy Christians are experts at hiding in plain sight. Only earlier today I sat down to eat my lunch and admire the view of a newly opened branch of Topshop. As I took a bite of one of my Rebel sandwiches, I realised to my horror and disgust that I was perched on the ancient wall of a church!

I consider it extremely sneaky of those Victorian architects, to design buildings that would blend into their surroundings so well that they would not be seen – the crafty swines! These buildings do not draw attention to themselves at all. They do not stand out, or make a “statement” like a building should. But they are definitely there.  Once your eyes are opened you suddenly realise – these things are everywhere! So watch out the next time you sit on a wall to eat your lunch – you may be sitting right next to a church!

Stay alert Rebelteers and perhaps soon we will see the day when we flush them all out, once and for all, in the name of freedom, liberty and progress! HURRAH!

Yours in Rebellion,

Major Gripes

[JN & VG]

Rihanna's "Pour It Up" - Unadulterated Feminism!

I've been seeing a lot of whining about Rihanna's new video "Pour It Up" on the internet recently and all I've got to say to these haters is ya - boo - sucks! No way is this modern feminist icon going to pander to your patriarchal need to control and repress! She's going to completely ignore all you male chauvinists by getting her kit off! Ha! Weren't expecting that, were you!? This feisty lady is calling all the shots!

Not literally of course; that's unheard of. The man for that job is master director Vincent Haycock.

Another excellent example of Haycock's progressive vision is his video to Calvin Harris's "Thinking About You". One of the opening shots of a woman's naked buttocks walking through a mansion must make him very proud. So proud in fact that he decided to let this particular shot last uninterrupted for over 30 seconds for no other reason, I'm sure, than to make it absolutely clear that this young lady was indeed truly liberated! Bravo!

The Suffragettes could have really used a man like Haycock to help get their message across. The message being, of course, that all feminists just love being in the nip! Groovy!

Yours in rebellion,

Major Gripes

Rebel inspiration:
'BattyMamzelle' article
Rihanna - "Pour It Up"
Calvin Harris ft. Ayah Marar - "Thinking About You"

[JN]