Naked Ambition

Looks like somebody's been doing their Rebel homework! Real class, Jessie J!

Popstar and activist Jessie J caused a stir last Sunday with a brave political demonstration. In her very own Tiananmen Square moment she bore her soul (and her body) in front of the oppressive patriarchal media as if to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

In giving us all a flash of her near-naked body she paid solemn respect to International Women's Day. Showing that no matter how much the establishment try and stop her, she's gonna keep on taking her clothes off and rubbing her liberty in their boring old faces until they finally respect her.

In addition, this concert - or "happening" - took place in Jakarta. A rather conservative country rendering her performance all the more poignant.

Shame that not everyone was impressed...

"I'm pretty sure international women's day does not stand for flaunting your body to thousands of people in order to sell yourself."

So read a comment from user elbow. Its probably a post from that boring indie band! What do they know about civil rights anyway? I mean, what's sexy about an elbow?! Get lost grandads!

Just going to google some pictures of Rosa Parks now. Must be some reason she's so respected.

[JN]

Fifty Shades of Great Britain

Readers, I could not in all conscience let this week pass without commenting on the rebellious phenomenon Fifty Shades of grey. What a joy it is to witness this noble endeavour, bestowed on us by selfless Brits Sam Taylor-Wood and EL James, the new dynamic duo of literature and film. No longer are we to be known as the country of Dickens and Shakespeare. Instead, the United Kingdom is to be renamed Fifty Shades of Great Britain, in a tribute to this tag-team who have put us back on the cultural map. Look upon this picture of Sam Taylor-Wood, as she skips down an LA street, revelling in the joyous knowledge that she has done right by her country. The days of making boring video art are behind her now. Her face says it all: "Now I can look my children in the eye. When I die, they will say of me, 'She did something'".

Who would have thought in those dark oppressive days before 1960, that we would one day gaze upon a Britain which had scaled the dizzy heights of cultural advancement which we now have! Who would have dared to dream that B&Q would have to steady itself for the hordes of people storming their outlets to pick up rope and gaffer tape, in a daring emulation of the film, nay, institution that Fifty Shades has become? You will pardon me, I'm sure, as I shed a tear of joy at this momentous occasion. Naturally I myself am a fan of the book, having snapped up a copy as soon as I identified the rebellion inherent in this work of art. I made an exception to my "No Reading" rule and pored over every rebellious detail. We have come a long way, you and I, since the days of Lady Chatterley's Lover, the only real rival to 50 Shades' crown. Think of Chatterley as the Obi Wan to 50 Shades' youthful Skywalker. Now we know that nothing can stop us in our mission to "Rebelise" the country. We will not halt until every single person on this sceptred isle is a handcuff-wielding pervert! Onward I say! Onward to Freedom!

[VG]

BREAKING NEWS!

This just in: Derek Zoolander and Russell Brand have joined forces to launch a revolutionary new educational facility called THE BRAND~ZOOLANDER CENTRE FOR PEOPLE WHAT WANNA DO GOOD FINGS AND NOT BE SO WHACK TO THE PLANET ANYMORE.

The centre will launch tomorrow with courses in Ecology, Theology, Philosophy and Male Grooming. All courses are to be taught by Brand, there is no timetable and Brand has declared in a statement that he does not intend to do any lesson plans. Instead he's just going to "wing it and talk the trewf to all the people and that".

Good luck boys! This is a major milestone on the road to progress!

[JN]

Take it to the tweets - Russell Brand and the ReLOVEution

At the start of Russell Brand's new video to promote his new book ReLOVEution, we are asked a pretty provocative question: "Are you happy with the way things are?". Well of course not! We want to rebel! please show us how Russell!

Thankfully Russell and his team manage to engage the wisdom of the general public via the medium of twitter to give us some very pragmatic advice, which is then projected onto the sides of buildings, which makes it look all cool and that.

For example, @buddleibar tweets "Ask for the truth in every way, and then follow the flow, and keep asking, asking, asking, you'll know".

Great advice there! And so simple! All we've got to do is "follow the flow"! Now why hadn't I thought of that?!

Also: "Be None of the Above Join the #ReLOVEution Reject the system". More illuminating words of wisdom from rebel operative @NoneAboveUK. Also playing fast and loose with the rules of grammar too: He'll put a capital letter wherever he damn well pleases! Just like a young rebel should!

But perhaps my favourite of all is "We need change". What a perceptive remark from @joshyouher!

Obviously we're beginning to get very deep into some complicated political thought here. But to properly understand politics would probably take a lot of time and be very boring, so I'm glad there are others in our cause to do that work for me. For example, I'm sure whoever came up with the line "all else has failed" had done some pretty detailed research into the political history of Britain and - for reasons perhaps only properly understood by this prophet of our times - has decided that such things as the welfare state and the whole history of parliamentary democracy were just a load of old codswollop!

That's right, let's smash the system! After all "The people who say the system works, WORK FOR THE SYSTEM" and its not as if we even need it anymore - not now we've got this whole new rigorous and progressive ideology to hold on to!

[JN]

Insurgent Surgery

Glad news arrived today. A young lady has achieved an almost literal interpretation of the Rebel Army message. She has found the golden path, the "third way", between the same old left and right of the body politic.

In a simple act of mammary defiance this young renegade truly embodies the very essence of the Rebel Army mantra, "Why [do something] when you can [do another thing]?"

i.e. WHY HAVE TWO BREASTS WHEN YOU CAN HAVE THREE???

Here are some other examples:
- Why have a cup of tea when you can have crystal meth?
- Why stay faithful to your wife when you can have an affair?
- Why do the dishes when you can kick a wall?

C'mon girls, why be boring like all those other two-breasted women walking around like they own the place? Why not do something different?!

[JN]

Advice for Scots

[Image taken from - without permission of course! - the film 'Braveheart'.]

One of the most important lessons a young rebel must learn is that WINNING IS FOR LOSERS. Take Obama for example. He was black. A bit of a headstart in the old counter-culture game. Unfortunately he had to go and ruin it all by actually winning the election and becoming president! Such a pity...

Now currently here in Britain we have our very own little Obama causing controversy on the political battleground: Alex Salmond, leader of the Scottish National Party.

We here at Rebel Army HQ are of course staunch supporters of the SNP but there are growing concerns within our ranks that the 'yes' campaign may be too well organised and that the SNP might actually win! If this dire outcome should come to pass, the SNP would regrettably lose their noble underdog status.

So our message to the Scots would be to throw all your support behind the 'yes' campaign leading up to polling day. Shout about it on the streets, rally the troops on the internet, but when you actually get inside that voting booth and see the ballot paper in front of you, make sure you vote NO!

[JN]

Racism v racism

Greetings Rebels!

Facebook users have been exposing racism...with racism! I'm so proud of these young rebels and rebelettes it makes me cry fat chunky tears all over my big moustache!

These cheeky rulebreakers are fighting dirty- like a rebel should!  By directly discriminating against UKIP members based on the colour of their skin, these bold activists are showing the old fogeys whose side the times are on. Crawl  back in your holes, UKIP! You are yesterday's news!

The wit and panache with which they portray a pensioner, who is so old and blind that he needs a magnifying glass to type, is commendable. Who knew that racism could be so funny when directed against old, white men? Hilarious!

On a serious note, I know how devious these old croaks can be. After all, I used to be one before I became a rebel. Of course, these digital rebels don't think of themselves as white, as rebellion exempts you from that stinky old race.

I'm sure that in years to come, these youngsters will look back on this time and say, "Yes - I did well there." Hurrah for them!

The genius of this approach to rebellion is that it reinforces what we already know. Everybody knows that everyone born before 1960 is basically racist. For anyone who is confused about this, I have prepared a handy timeline. Toodle Pip!

Sources: Twitter (#WhyImVotingUKIP), UKIP Exposed (facebook group)

[VG]