Rebel of the Year

It’s that time of year again! Time to award the Rebel of the year. There are many contenders, but there can only be one winner.

I can’t tell you how proud I was when our government decided to stop fannying around with democracy and go full blown rebel this year. The sight of Chinese Communist flags flying in London is an encouraging sign for any rebel. It shows that our future as a rebel nation is secure.

In the clash of rebellions, the big guy always wins. That’s why when a protester tried to make a demonstration about China’s human rights record, he was swiftly dealt with (see below). Why bother rebelling against the best rebels in the business? They’ve got it all sewn up! With a little suppression of dissent, we are  making the Chinese president feel at home.

As part of the festivities, David Cameron invited the Chinese Premier to have Fish and Chips. How quaint! In return, the Chinese government are taking care of our energy needs for the forseeable future. Excellent! Our energy will be controlled by rebels! Can't see anything going wrong there!

Fifty Shades of Great Britain

Readers, I could not in all conscience let this week pass without commenting on the rebellious phenomenon Fifty Shades of grey. What a joy it is to witness this noble endeavour, bestowed on us by selfless Brits Sam Taylor-Wood and EL James, the new dynamic duo of literature and film. No longer are we to be known as the country of Dickens and Shakespeare. Instead, the United Kingdom is to be renamed Fifty Shades of Great Britain, in a tribute to this tag-team who have put us back on the cultural map. Look upon this picture of Sam Taylor-Wood, as she skips down an LA street, revelling in the joyous knowledge that she has done right by her country. The days of making boring video art are behind her now. Her face says it all: "Now I can look my children in the eye. When I die, they will say of me, 'She did something'".

Who would have thought in those dark oppressive days before 1960, that we would one day gaze upon a Britain which had scaled the dizzy heights of cultural advancement which we now have! Who would have dared to dream that B&Q would have to steady itself for the hordes of people storming their outlets to pick up rope and gaffer tape, in a daring emulation of the film, nay, institution that Fifty Shades has become? You will pardon me, I'm sure, as I shed a tear of joy at this momentous occasion. Naturally I myself am a fan of the book, having snapped up a copy as soon as I identified the rebellion inherent in this work of art. I made an exception to my "No Reading" rule and pored over every rebellious detail. We have come a long way, you and I, since the days of Lady Chatterley's Lover, the only real rival to 50 Shades' crown. Think of Chatterley as the Obi Wan to 50 Shades' youthful Skywalker. Now we know that nothing can stop us in our mission to "Rebelise" the country. We will not halt until every single person on this sceptred isle is a handcuff-wielding pervert! Onward I say! Onward to Freedom!

[VG]

Insurgent Surgery

Glad news arrived today. A young lady has achieved an almost literal interpretation of the Rebel Army message. She has found the golden path, the "third way", between the same old left and right of the body politic.

In a simple act of mammary defiance this young renegade truly embodies the very essence of the Rebel Army mantra, "Why [do something] when you can [do another thing]?"

i.e. WHY HAVE TWO BREASTS WHEN YOU CAN HAVE THREE???

Here are some other examples:
- Why have a cup of tea when you can have crystal meth?
- Why stay faithful to your wife when you can have an affair?
- Why do the dishes when you can kick a wall?

C'mon girls, why be boring like all those other two-breasted women walking around like they own the place? Why not do something different?!

[JN]

Racism v racism

Greetings Rebels!

Facebook users have been exposing racism...with racism! I'm so proud of these young rebels and rebelettes it makes me cry fat chunky tears all over my big moustache!

These cheeky rulebreakers are fighting dirty- like a rebel should!  By directly discriminating against UKIP members based on the colour of their skin, these bold activists are showing the old fogeys whose side the times are on. Crawl  back in your holes, UKIP! You are yesterday's news!

The wit and panache with which they portray a pensioner, who is so old and blind that he needs a magnifying glass to type, is commendable. Who knew that racism could be so funny when directed against old, white men? Hilarious!

On a serious note, I know how devious these old croaks can be. After all, I used to be one before I became a rebel. Of course, these digital rebels don't think of themselves as white, as rebellion exempts you from that stinky old race.

I'm sure that in years to come, these youngsters will look back on this time and say, "Yes - I did well there." Hurrah for them!

The genius of this approach to rebellion is that it reinforces what we already know. Everybody knows that everyone born before 1960 is basically racist. For anyone who is confused about this, I have prepared a handy timeline. Toodle Pip!

Sources: Twitter (#WhyImVotingUKIP), UKIP Exposed (facebook group)

[VG]

Major Gripes' War on Vowels

"Yeah, vowels are f**king fascist. You gotta take 'em out, man. They're like a virus. A Judeo-Christian controlled virus. Exterminate! We're gonna cut up the English language. Destroy it. Rebuild it. Create our own language." Bobby Gillespie, NME Feb 6, 2000

Hear hear! I couldn’t agree more with Bobby Gillespie of Primal Scream. They didn’t need vowels in Ancient Egypt, so why should we need them now? Western Civilization has poisoned the world with their stupid vowels. Everything was fine in the pagan era. It was basically sunshine and happiness. With Christianity came slavery, religious oppression and… vowels! Oh how I hate them! So I’m turning over a new leaf! From now on - N MR VWLS!

Hrrh!

Yrs n Rblln,

Mjr Grps

[VG]

The "Dark" Web

Rebels!

I have made a fascinating discovery! A recent news item has reported that paedophiles and other rogues do not search on Google, Yahoo or any of the other ordinary search engines. They have their own internet in which they carry out their rebellious activity. Do you want to know what it's called? The Dark Web. Kind of makes it sound a bit cool, doesn't it? As soon as I heard about the Dark Web, rather than being repulsed, I was intrigued. Being of nefarious character, I'm determined to investigate! And if you're a rebel worth your salt, you will, too!

Could it be that whoever came up with this name is an undercover rebel? Whoever it is, I'm very impressed! Hurrah!

[VG]

The Invisible Enemy

Look closely at this picture Rebelteers. For this is what I was presented with on a Rebel Army reconnaissance mission last weekend. Does everything seem fine to you? The billboards? The strip club? The endless rows of gaudy shop signs? All perfect symbols of The Great Rebellion's success in occupying Britain's High Streets. But look a little closer and you will see something rather more sinister... a church!

That's right! How on earth could we have let that one slip?! Just when it seemed we'd got things all sown up I realise that there is so much work still to do! This is no time to be resting on our laurels, Rebel comrades! A church on the High Street?! Is nothing sacred anymore?!!

Those slimy Christians are experts at hiding in plain sight. Only earlier today I sat down to eat my lunch and admire the view of a newly opened branch of Topshop. As I took a bite of one of my Rebel sandwiches, I realised to my horror and disgust that I was perched on the ancient wall of a church!

I consider it extremely sneaky of those Victorian architects, to design buildings that would blend into their surroundings so well that they would not be seen – the crafty swines! These buildings do not draw attention to themselves at all. They do not stand out, or make a “statement” like a building should. But they are definitely there.  Once your eyes are opened you suddenly realise – these things are everywhere! So watch out the next time you sit on a wall to eat your lunch – you may be sitting right next to a church!

Stay alert Rebelteers and perhaps soon we will see the day when we flush them all out, once and for all, in the name of freedom, liberty and progress! HURRAH!

Yours in Rebellion,

Major Gripes

[JN & VG]

Global Times sticks it to the UK

Congratulations to the Global Times, the state-run Chinese newspaper who have been sticking it to the UK this week. The prestigious publication described the UK as being "only good for studying and tourism", and "a country of old Europe with a few decent football teams". The paper is to be congratulated. This is how a nation should conduct its propaganda - big , bold and bolshy!

Some would suggest that the Global Times' position as a state-run propaganda machine would discredit its claim at any kind of legitimacy. But not me! The Global Times is totally within its rights to lecture the UK about global power, and is in no way the mouthpiece of a corrupt totalitarian regime!

If only the UK could be more like China, not weighed down by things like equality, justice and workers' rights. The Brits pine for those days when they could swagger around the world upsetting people, with no thought of what this would mean for their descendants. Perhaps they could emulate the Foxconn factory in Longhua, practically enslaving poor people in a pitiless work regime which leaves them so bereft that they have to commit suicide to make their voices heard!

Oh wait - I've just remembered! The UK has already done all that stuff. That's what led it to being the rebellious nation it is today. China, you've just begun your rebellious quest. You've got a long way to go before you reach the rebellious heights the UK has - but we know you'll get there in the end! 

[VG]

Little Miley and her funny cigarette

Readers, let me tell you a little secret. This must go no further, but the truth is that Miley Cyrus is a secret Rebel Army agent. Abandoned by her father Billy Ray when she was but a nipper, Miley was raised by yours truly at the Rebel Army Kiddlywinks Camp. Billy donated her to the Rebel Army so that he could continue rebelling against Country Music, and I raised her as my own. Readers, she has responded to her programming extremely well! She makes a fine rebel, just like Bob Marley.When I saw the footage of her smoking that funny cigarette at the EMAs, I must admit I shed a little tear.
Look how far she's come! Sob!

Yours emotionally,

Major Gripes

[VG]