Racism v racism

Greetings Rebels!

Facebook users have been exposing racism...with racism! I'm so proud of these young rebels and rebelettes it makes me cry fat chunky tears all over my big moustache!

These cheeky rulebreakers are fighting dirty- like a rebel should!  By directly discriminating against UKIP members based on the colour of their skin, these bold activists are showing the old fogeys whose side the times are on. Crawl  back in your holes, UKIP! You are yesterday's news!

The wit and panache with which they portray a pensioner, who is so old and blind that he needs a magnifying glass to type, is commendable. Who knew that racism could be so funny when directed against old, white men? Hilarious!

On a serious note, I know how devious these old croaks can be. After all, I used to be one before I became a rebel. Of course, these digital rebels don't think of themselves as white, as rebellion exempts you from that stinky old race.

I'm sure that in years to come, these youngsters will look back on this time and say, "Yes - I did well there." Hurrah for them!

The genius of this approach to rebellion is that it reinforces what we already know. Everybody knows that everyone born before 1960 is basically racist. For anyone who is confused about this, I have prepared a handy timeline. Toodle Pip!

Sources: Twitter (#WhyImVotingUKIP), UKIP Exposed (facebook group)

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Rebels vs Reality

Rebels - I have just received a communication from rebellious organisation Avaaz, with a startling message. Apparently a NEW ICE AGE is imminent, poised to happen WITHIN 6 MONTHS. According to Avaaz, we have reached a "tipping point" and soon the planet could "unleash an army of apartment-building-size ice blocks across Europe and the United States".

Apparently, a reputable Scientist (who for some reason has not been named) has christened this "Our Holy Shit moment". Good to hear a scientist talking like a rebel instead of droning on about graphs and figures!

The good news is, according to Avaaz, if we all work together, we can somehow stop this.
We may not have been able to stop the last Ice Age but we can stop this one. After all, we've got the Internet now! 

Ok, Avaaz haven't exactly shown how this will work. But that's because there isn't time! Because of the urgency, there is no time to sit down and work out whether this is objectively true or not. There is only time to put trust in our politicians and hope that everything turns out fine.

I have been assured that, far from being a futile gesture designed to manipulate gullible idiots, its actually TRUE. All I can say is Hurrah!

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Ever closer rebellion

Forget Nigel Farage - the EU are the real rebels. Just look at how they tirelessly pursue their projects of monetary union and free movement of peoples, refusing to be distracted from their vision by oh, I don't know...reality! Why, they even stole money from the  Cypriot people's bank accounts during that country's banking crisis!  

Like Lenin and Mao, the Eurocrats don't bother with actually running the countries they're in charge of - BORING! No, much more exciting to devote themselves wholeheartedly to their project of "ever closer union" - basically destroying the distinctions between each of the member states so we end up with a United States of Europe. Hurrah! And Nigel Farage and his gang of sad, scared old men have a problem with that? Boo!  They really are a bunch of old fuddy duddies, banging on about democracy all day long. Haven't you heard, Nige? Democracy doesn't work! It's slow and boring - by the time a bill's passed through parliament I've lost interest anyway!

Make sure you stay at home on Polling Day to keep these bad boys in power!
 

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Major Gripes' War on Vowels

"Yeah, vowels are f**king fascist. You gotta take 'em out, man. They're like a virus. A Judeo-Christian controlled virus. Exterminate! We're gonna cut up the English language. Destroy it. Rebuild it. Create our own language." Bobby Gillespie, NME Feb 6, 2000

Hear hear! I couldn’t agree more with Bobby Gillespie of Primal Scream. They didn’t need vowels in Ancient Egypt, so why should we need them now? Western Civilization has poisoned the world with their stupid vowels. Everything was fine in the pagan era. It was basically sunshine and happiness. With Christianity came slavery, religious oppression and… vowels! Oh how I hate them! So I’m turning over a new leaf! From now on - N MR VWLS!

Hrrh!

Yrs n Rblln,

Mjr Grps

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The Anarchist Cookbook

Greetings Rebels,

I have just learned some very disappointing news. One of our number, the writer and former anarchist William Powell, was for many years a great soldier for our cause. His masterpiece The Anarchist Cookbook has inspired many a rebel down the years, containing as it does, instructions on how to make home made explosives. Oh what would rebels have done without it? Every time we go on a jolly killing spree, we always take a copy with us.

But this week, Powell, the dreaded apostate, has campaigned for the book to be taken out of print. Shame on you, Michael! Not only that, I have even heard that he has embraced Anglican Christianity!!! This is very disappointing and a real blow for the Great Rebellion.

I can only hope that Paul McCartney will set fire to a monastery, in order to redress the balance.

Yours in rebellion,

Major Gripes

"The Timelord" - Lord Hanningfield

Are you sick of being oppressed and downtrodden by the system? Sick of all the government red tape standing between you and freedom?

Well for one man, the burden finally made him snap...!

Like Michael Douglas in that film "Falling Down" legendary Lord Hanningfield made a stand for the little guy recently with his defiance of "parliamentary expectations" (yawn!).

Playing the system from within, hereditary peer Lord Hanningfield managed to outfox the fun police with an ingenous moment of renegade time-management.

Every day, instead of doing a full day's work, Lord Hanningfield simply clocked in, picked up his £300 attendance fee and then nipped straight off again! Presumably to plan some sort of Fight Club style mission with all the other Lords who have been implicated in this daring escapade!

If only the Daily Mirror were as enlightened as these freedom fighters! Shame on them with their little cameras and wheedling journalists for trying to stop these brave souls.

But just like Braveheart, Hanningfield faced his attackers and refused to apologise claiming, heroically, that others do it too.

[JN]

The "Dark" Web

Rebels!

I have made a fascinating discovery! A recent news item has reported that paedophiles and other rogues do not search on Google, Yahoo or any of the other ordinary search engines. They have their own internet in which they carry out their rebellious activity. Do you want to know what it's called? The Dark Web. Kind of makes it sound a bit cool, doesn't it? As soon as I heard about the Dark Web, rather than being repulsed, I was intrigued. Being of nefarious character, I'm determined to investigate! And if you're a rebel worth your salt, you will, too!

Could it be that whoever came up with this name is an undercover rebel? Whoever it is, I'm very impressed! Hurrah!

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