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30/03/2015

A Message To All Rebellious Publishers Of Comic Books!


Greetings! The new Rebel Army graphic novel is finally ready for print! It chronicles the beginnings of our noble organisation and it's first brushes with the Squares and Suits who rule our poor oppressed world.

If any of you Rebelteers out there in cyberspace can help our cause to reach a reliable publisher you will certainly earn yourselves some stripes!

Of course, getting it officially published will be breaking a few Rebel Army rules. But then again - rules are made to be broken! Even our own... is that right? Sorry, I'm experiencing one of my occasional moments of confusion. I'm going to have to lie down for a bit...

[JN]

22/03/2015

Tea for Suckers

Dear readers, if you ever want to partake of a rebellious beverage, head down to 6/8 Kafe on Temple Row, Birmingham City Centre. I attended this fine establishment only yesterday, and made a startling discovery. Upon heading to the counter to purchase a cup of tea (as a joke, as if I would drink something so square), I was amazed to be charged £2.50. 

That’s right, readers, 6/8 Kafe have the rebellious gall to charge two hundred and fifty English pence for a teabag and some hot water in a cardboard cup. “Two pound fifty?” I spluttered, amazed at the brazen cheek of it all.  

Then, dear readers, I took a look around at the clientele, with their beards and bandanas and realised something. 6/8 Kafe is totally rebellious! Only a rebel would charge such an extortionate amount for a cup of builder’s tea. 

These guys are fleecing their customers and no mistake! If you want to con people out of their hard-earned money, all you need is to spell the word café with a K instead of a C, put some grainy black and white photos of your kafé on your website, and hey presto, you can charge whatever you want. But you must find the right audience, In this case, it would be people who, when asked to pay £2.50 for a cup of tea, instead of replying "How dare you! This is an outrage!", will simply say "Cool". These are the people who cannot tell the difference between being cool and being a gullible moron. 

I shall certainly be frequenting this den of rebels in the future and revelling in the sheer nerve of it all. I shall be delighted to be taken advantage of by these cheeky scamps!

So, dear rebels, next time you find yourself in Birmingham city centre, buy a cup of rebellious tea and hold it aloft and declare “I am a gullible moron!”

20/03/2015

The Eclipse: Seeing things differently...



I was told by the BBC and other "authorities" not to look directly at the eclipse today. Can't quite figure out their true motives but I defiantly stared right at that sucker for twenty minutes!

And the joke's on them because the doctors tell me I have at least a 20% chance of my sight returning! Mind you, what do they know...

[JN]

11/03/2015

Naked Ambition


Looks like somebody's been doing their Rebel homework! Real class, Jessie J!

Popstar and activist Jessie J caused a stir last Sunday with a brave political demonstration. In her very own Tiananmen Square moment she bore her soul (and her body) in front of the oppressive patriarchal media as if to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

In giving us all a flash of her near-naked body she paid solemn respect to International Women's Day. Showing that no matter how much the establishment try and stop her, she's gonna keep on taking her clothes off and rubbing her liberty in their boring old faces until they finally respect her.

In addition, this concert - or "happening" - took place in Jakarta. A rather conservative country rendering her performance all the more poignant.

Shame that not everyone was impressed...

"I'm pretty sure international women's day does not stand for flaunting your body to thousands of people in order to sell yourself."

So read a comment from user elbow. Its probably a post from that boring indie band! What do they know about civil rights anyway? I mean, what's sexy about an elbow?! Get lost grandads!

Just going to google some pictures of Rosa Parks now. Must be some reason she's so respected.

[JN]

15/02/2015

Fifty Shades of Great Britain

Readers, I could not in all conscience let this week pass without commenting on the rebellious phenomenon Fifty Shades of grey. What a joy it is to witness this noble endeavour, bestowed on us by selfless Brits Sam Taylor-Wood and EL James, the new dynamic duo of literature and film. No longer are we to be known as the country of Dickens and Shakespeare. Instead, the United Kingdom is to be renamed Fifty Shades of Great Britain, in a tribute to this tag-team who have put us back on the cultural map. Look upon this picture of Sam Taylor-Wood, as she skips down an LA street, revelling in the joyous knowledge that she has done right by her country. The days of making boring video art are behind her now. Her face says it all: "Now I can look my children in the eye. When I die, they will say of me, 'She did something'".

Who would have thought in those dark oppressive days before 1960, that we would one day gaze upon a Britain which had scaled the dizzy heights of cultural advancement which we now have! Who would have dared to dream that B&Q would have to steady itself for the hordes of people storming their outlets to pick up rope and gaffer tape, in a daring emulation of the film, nay, institution that Fifty Shades has become? You will pardon me, I'm sure, as I shed a tear of joy at this momentous occasion. Naturally I myself am a fan of the book, having snapped up a copy as soon as I identified the rebellion inherent in this work of art. I made an exception to my "No Reading" rule and pored over every rebellious detail. We have come a long way, you and I, since the days of Lady Chatterley's Lover, the only real rival to 50 Shades' crown. Think of Chatterley as the Obi Wan to 50 Shades' youthful Skywalker. Now we know that nothing can stop us in our mission to "Rebelise" the country. We will not halt until every single person on this sceptred isle is a handcuff-wielding pervert! Onward I say! Onward to Freedom!


[VG]

26/10/2014

BREAKING NEWS!






This just in: Derek Zoolander and Russell Brand have joined forces to launch a revolutionary new educational facility called THE BRAND~ZOOLANDER CENTRE FOR PEOPLE WHAT WANNA DO GOOD FINGS AND NOT BE SO WHACK TO THE PLANET ANYMORE.

The centre will launch tomorrow with courses in Ecology, Theology, Philosophy and Male Grooming. All courses are to be taught by Brand, there is no timetable and Brand has declared in a statement that he does not intend to do any lesson plans. Instead he's just going to "wing it and talk the trewf to all the people and that".

Good luck boys! This is a major milestone on the road to progress!

[JN]

Take it to the tweets - Russell Brand and the ReLOVEution



At the start of Russell Brand's new video to promote his new book ReLOVEution, we are asked a pretty provocative question: "Are you happy with the way things are?". Well of course not! We want to rebel! please show us how Russell!

Thankfully Russell and his team manage to engage the wisdom of the general public via the medium of twitter to give us some very pragmatic advice, which is then projected onto the sides of buildings, which makes it look all cool and that.

For example, @buddleibar tweets "Ask for the truth in every way, and then follow the flow, and keep asking, asking, asking, you'll know".

Great advice there! And so simple! All we've got to do is "follow the flow"! Now why hadn't I thought of that?!

Also: "Be None of the Above Join the #ReLOVEution Reject the system". More illuminating words of wisdom from rebel operative @NoneAboveUK. Also playing fast and loose with the rules of grammar too: He'll put a capital letter wherever he damn well pleases! Just like a young rebel should!

But perhaps my favourite of all is "We need change". What a perceptive remark from @joshyouher!

Obviously we're beginning to get very deep into some complicated political thought here. But to properly understand politics would probably take a lot of time and be very boring, so I'm glad there are others in our cause to do that work for me. For example, I'm sure whoever came up with the line "all else has failed" had done some pretty detailed research into the political history of Britain and - for reasons perhaps only properly understood by this prophet of our times - has decided that such things as the welfare state and the whole history of parliamentary democracy were just a load of old codswollop!

That's right, let's smash the system! After all "The people who say the system works, WORK FOR THE SYSTEM" and its not as if we even need it anymore - not now we've got this whole new rigorous and progressive ideology to hold on to!




[JN]